Welcome
Welcome to ZEN's Lair 2.0
Complete with bells and
whistles.
For the non neato-keen page ( the boring one) you will just have to wait, I'm still trying to make it 'normal'
Navigation may be attained from the navigation bar on the left(who would
have thought?) For a description of where the link will take you watch your
'status bar' at the bottom of the screen. If this is your first visit, you'll
want to start with "The Lair" on the left.
The Lair
"Ana nana nana neda. Stay awhile stay forever!"
I bid thee welcome to my lair. The second of its kind, like the first has no purpose. Be warned, unwarranted stays of extended periods of time may result in dementia neurosis, psychosis and loss of social life. I claim no responsibility for any of the above, or any non mentioned afflictions.
If you wish to send comments, complaints, death threats or credit card numbers you may send them to me at [email protected] or you can sign my guestbook
As with all good things this page is still and most likely always will be
under construction.
The World
Welcome to the world through ZEN's eyes.
Scary I know, but if you'll stick around long enough you'll not be sane enough
to care.
As said before this is the, currently, major point of this lair, to educate
the uneducated( who else are we going to educate?) Following are a number
of items, all of which are intended to share some aspect of the world with
you, hopefully an aspect which you've not yet learned. Stories and tales,
how things work, why htings work, and things that should work. You'll find
themm all here. Enjoy, and I charge thee, leave here a more educated person
than when you had arrived.
The Never Ending Tale
Welcome to eternal bliss. The Never Edning Tale. The finest literary work yet to grace the Earth. Quite litteraly it is... a Never Ending Tale.
Be warned the tale of which you are about to read may cause serious dementia or mental deterioration. It has been reported to have driven on English teacher in to retierment, before he even read it!
'enjoy' the tale
Hear what the critics think first
Links
Evil
It has recently come to my knowledge that there is a large percentage of
the world's population that knows little of evil and it's effects on our
everyday lives. Years ago I, along with others banded together to wipe the
vile and wretched scum of evil and villainy from our lives, but alas! There
are a fewer and fewer number of us each day.
I encourage to pick up our stick and fight alongst side the side of truth
justice and the American way!( The good American way, not what the shcmucks
in Washington seem to be doing these days) Pick your evil and do your job!
As a good and worthy citizen of this planet your birthright commands you
do your duty and help abolish evil from our very sights! (which you can either
do by smacking around the mugger that just beat up some poor old lady in
front of your house, sending me your credit cards (We gotta fund SOMEHOW,
right?), or see what you can do about any of the following Major Crime lords.
Math CAN be fun
1=2
Whats this you say? How can this be? Quite simple. In fact from this one
little fact it can be claimed that 1=2=4=8=16....... ultimtly 1=infinite.
But how is it that 1=2 as thats what the whole thing hinges on?
Pi(you know 3.149 yadda yadda)=180 degress. A pie, a circuler object =360
degress. pi=pie therefore 180=360 divide it down and badda bing badda boom.
1=2
Take it from me
"A wise man says something becasue he has something to say, a fool, because he has to say something."
Well, I fit into one of those categories, yours to decide. "Some where hiden deep withen this book is a pair of ducks whcih if you read close enough will jump out and bite you on the nose." I hope you find it.
An eagle may soar high and free, but weasles never get sucked in jet
enginges
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
It has occured to me, a worm is no incentive for getting up early.
Sometimes, the cheese is aged just a little too much.
Be wary in the world, "There is always a bigger fish.", if your an opourtunist,
that means there are smaller ones too...
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.
Misfortune- The kind of fortune that never misses.
Most people get married some time in there lives. That means for nearly every
Fortune there is a miss Fortune.
Don't believe in superstitions, it's bad luck
Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunhcy and taste good
with ketchup.
Every ceral gets soggy sometime. It's a fact of life
Every journy of a thousand miles begins with wondering if you turned off
the oven.
If the world looks at you and says "Theres a bug on your face", it's probably
because there is a bug on you're face.
Back
Next
Carrie-Syndrome Theory
WARNING!!!
The following is a look into the mind of women everywhere
Men proceed, this is stuff you will need for the rest of your life
Women Proceed at your own risk.
This is in no way meant to be dergotive or sexually discrimnitve, but if you take it as such, too bad, go make your own web page and whine about it there.
Carrie-Syndrome theory
What began as a mere joke, a gag, eventually turned into the most horrifying
truth I have ever encountered. Justly naming after its most significant
benefactor, after long hours of calculations I stumbled upon something. Something
so horrid it shouldn't be made mention of by mortal lips, but alas! I being
one of the few to know the secret feel it my duty to inform the men of Earth
of this grevious wrong. I therefore impart to you,
THE CARRIE-SYNDROME THEORY
I'm sure you all remember The little Mother Goose rhyme about Peter Piper,
Well, as you may or may not be aware, one can not pick a pickled pepper,
as the pepper must be pickled after it is picked. I for a long time wonder
how it was that this Peter character could therefore be picking these pickled
peppers, when I realized that he was merely attempting to make us believe
he was picking them, and doing a fairly good job of it too apparently. Though
it was now apparent he was not picking them, and no one was picking them
for him, only one question remained. Where was he getting these pickled peppers?
After a lengthy investigation, I discovered a minute fact, that most would
think little of, but was still covered up with the degree of an "X-files"
episode cover-up. The theft of large amounts of pickled peppers from kitchen
everywhere. Most people I'm sure thought little of these seemingly random
acts, after all, someone in the household probably just ate the peppers and
forgot, or even if they were stolen, they are merely pickled peppers, what
was the big deal? Soon, it was apparent that it WAS a big deal. After not
long, there seemed to be an increasing number of reports of missing peppers.
It was soon obvious that after long, whoever this was would have a monopoly
on the pickled pepper industry. Once again I faced the question of "What's
the big deal?", and once again came up with the same answer it IS a big deal.
This is AMERICA! The land of the free! Where we can eat pickled peppers whenever
we want! But if someone is controlling the worlds quota of pickled peppers
we can't do that now can we?
The question now seemed to be "Who would do such a horrendis deed?" Which
was increasingly obvious.
DAVE THOMAS
The foundation of a true empire, an evil empire. Not one that strikes back. Not one that needs to. It has struck first. The world within its mercy. What is this mighty empire you ask. None other than the seemingly innocent Wendy's 'family' restaurant right down the street. Dave Thomas a man of pure evil has stretched his hand across the nation and even the world in an attempt to control all civilization. It was a grand discovery a man the country held in such high esteem, and he is really out to rule the world, could it be? See here for your self, the rest of the story. and remeber, "Wendys rules the night..."
Loki Charms
Simple enough, but could it be? You're child's breakfast cereal evil? never. It even has marshmallows in it, nothing with marshmallows could be that evil right? Wrong, what about the white guy from Ghostbusters? It so blatantly obvious most people will pass right over it. Lucky Charms and Loki are one and the same person. Loki a mortal enemy of mine, seemed to have just a tad too much in common with Lucky Charms, a mortal enemy of a friend of mine.See for yourself
| Loki | Lucky | |
| L-k(ie) | L--k(ie) | |
| Norse god of mischouv | Leperachuan, what could be more muschevious? | |
| Wears green(at least according to Marvel Comics) | Wears Green | |
| Travels via Rainbow bridge | Travels via rainbow magic |
Just think about it. Out there right now, this Loki Charms fellow is cheating some kid out of his breakfast. You don't think it is a cowincidence that that rabbit never gets any ceral do you? I've heard Lucky doesn't like bunnys. Strange, no? Back
Yellow
As with all things it turns out yellow has a 'team color'. One might expect it to be black or maybe red, but this is not the case. Yellow IS evil. What makes me say this? IT seems to be the banner of evil. School busses, reportedly the most evil vehicle ever made - yellow. When you take a standardized test, what is it they hand every person in the room? A yellow pencil. Wendys, which you can read about here uses yellow as its color. Coincidence? I think not Back
Carrie-Syndrom Theory
"Any question or statment made by a member of the female gender refering, or made to a member of the male gender is intended as a critisism or insult."
This theory, is one I had been devoloping for a time. Quite simpily it states. ANYTHING a girl say about or to a guy is an insult, or a 'nice insult' (critisicm). The theory itself was named for the girl I know, who was the most instrumental in the developing of the theory. Carrie and I had a running gag about everything she saying to me was intended as an insult, quite soon I realized that it was not merely this one girl, but all of them. I was already aware of certain other laws inhibiting the actions of the female gender, the most common of such is the 'two girls to pee in public' rule, which as it sounds is the law that requires a girl to find another girl to go to the bathroom with while in a public place. Often times the female while not only insult or criticise you, but hide it as a compliment. For example, the aforementioned Carrie once told me, out of the blue, while we were not discussing anything of the nature that I would 'make a good narrator'. It soon became clear to me that she did not mean any such thing. The translation under the Carrie-Syndrome theory would be as follows "Not only are you so ugly that you could never even be a villain in a movie, the kind that are supposed to be ugly, but you are so stupid that all you can do is stand next to the camera and read lines off of a page." She of course later denied it meaning any such thing. t was recently pointed out to me that the fact that one would deny the theory to be true was in fact proof that it wasn't, as she would not be insulting or criticising, but denying, but this is not so. Generally by her denial she will imply you are foolish to believe something so 'asinine' might be true, also the fact that she assumes you will automatically believe her, is, or should be an insult to your intelligence.
It has been a long known fact that grass gnomes live in the grass, but thats not all about the little buggers. I;m sure you've dropped a coin before, say a quater or a penny. They are generally easy to find, as it just lands on the ground, but it has been noticed that a coin is increasingly difficult to find if dropped in grass. For a time it was believed that perhaps the grass gnomes were nabbing the small coins, as they are. Unfortunitly the secr4et lies withen what they are doing with these coins. As it turns out the grass gnomes don't live IN the grass, but UNDER it. Underneath the earth is a mighty empire streching across the entire globe, breaching the earth at all points where there is grass. In these underground carvans of course the gnomes need a place to live, but minerals and resources open to the gnomes are far and few between. Except for one, pocket change. The gnomes have built thousands of massive magnifcant silver and nickel cities. Now, there is nothing neccesarily sinister or evil about this, but in case you ever drop a quater and can;t find it... know it has gone to good use, a poor shivering cold gnome, may just have a home now, thanks to you.
This Mr. Piper was not quite the innocent M.G. citizen he pretended to be. I immedetly contacted Peter and he quickly disallowed any knowledge of the crimes. He in fact remained steadfast in his claim he was picking the peppers. I then contacted a number of national news papers and television programs, each told me the same thing, to get out of their office and never come back. I realized it was not going to be easy to blow the lid of off this one, Peter having such a high public approval rating. I was forced to resort to my last resort, the tabloids. A number of various 'supermarket papers' were more than happy to print my story, though I could tell even most of the editors didn't believe a word of it. It did generate a response, though not the kind I had hoped for Before long, hundreds of assorted freaks were calling on me to either help in the battle or to join their holy crusade against some other well known fairly tale. It was readily apparent to me, this was going to have to be something I did on my own, which I did. I can't give you all the grizzly details as Spielburg is planning on making a movie about it, I can tell you though, each year now, on June the 10 I ask that you will celebrate by eating a pickled pepper or two, or if you don't like peppers, eat a pickle, in honor of V-P day, Victory over Peter.
The clouds. They aren't clouds. Well, some of them aren't. As it is, less than half the 'clouds' you see in the sky are clouds at all. The others are ships, giant airships disgiused as clouds. Why you ask? Why not I say. Its the perfect disguise, how many people would dare shoot down a cloud? They can be used for all sorts of illegal activities. Mr. Thomas uses them to transport his mind control drugs, Loki Chamrs uses them to travel when bored of his rainbow magic. Many other nameless minor crime rings uses them for their assorted purposes, but FEAR NOT! There is delecit equipment that can be purchesed and used for the downing of these aircraft. Many airports use this equipment now, though more often then not as safty devices should a clouds ship wander to close to the control tower. If you might remeber from your childhood most people actually know about this, but choose to write it off as a 'childrens story', think hard of a cartoon in which the tittle charecters travveled in 'cloud cars', which leads me to the conclusion these 'bears', which by the way have you ever notcied they are not all bears? An elaborate ploy. Anyway... the conclusion, something evil is afoot with these seemingly cute and cuddely creatures. I'll keep this site posted if anything turns up.
Ireland. A land long split by war. North vs South. Brother vs Brother. Father vs Son. Elf Vs Gnome. Yes thats right, the elves and gnomes are mixed up in this little affir themselves. Few people know what the war in Ireand is and or was actually about. I am one of those. You are soon to be another. Mnay lopng years ago the elves and gnomes and even the leperichauns lived in peace side by side. Untill one day....(you knew that was coming didn't you?) Our friend(and I use that term lossely) Mr. Charms decided the vast and mighty Irish empire should be his. It was simple measutre to get his leperichaun brethren to follow him into battle against the elves and the gnomes, but much to hois dismay he soon discovered that the combinded efforst of the two races was to much for him to handle at once. An aspiring young leprechaun whoose name has been lost to history, not only came up with the plan to make the elves and gnomes enemies, but with a way to do it. Lucky surrended to the elves and the gnomes and called a gigantic feast in which to say he was sorry. Many a grand food was prepared for the day of peace. Lucky being the e'er vigilintly evil being he was had no true intention of surrendering. While at the feast he called together the najmes of the commanders from the other two armys and offered them the finest foods from the tabble, a plate of blueberry muffins. but LO! As it turned out(by no coincedence) that but one blueberry muffin remained. Raffin' Longsocks, the leader of the elves glanced to the muffin and risked a sidelook to Puffy Shorttoe, the leadr of the Gnomes. Puffy was also eyeing the final muffin with a lustfull eye. The two leapt for the muffin at the same time, clanging heads over the tablle and rolling about on the food. "It's mine, I saw it first" One yelled. "You allready had one, I SAW you." Retorted the other."I did not" "Did TO" "Didn't" "Did" The two still rolling about on the table pulling each others facial hair rolled off the table, still screaming "Did" and "Didn't". Who was actually saying what was lost in the ruckus.
For years it has been believed that electric light bulbs emit light, but
recent theory seeks to prove otherwise.
The Dark Sucker theory Proves:
1. The exsistence of dark suckers.
2. That dark is faster than light
3. That dark has mass and is thicker than light
DARK SUCKERS EXSIST!
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark.
For example, take a Dark Sucker in a room. There is much less dark right
next to the dark sucker than there is anywhere else in the room. The larger
a dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking
lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than ones in a room.
As With all things dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of
dark they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full
dark sucker. A candle is a primitive. A new candle has a white wickl. You
will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, showing all of
the dark that has been sucked into it.
Also, there are protable dark suckers. In these the bubls can not handle
all of the dark by themselves and must be aided by dark storage units. Then
the dark storage unit is full it must either be emptied or replaced before
the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Many long moons ago it occured to me life needs a variable. The awnser for eveyrthing would lie in one simple awnser. It was basic math, literaly. X, the letter x is commnly used a s a variable in math. it might mean 2, it might mean 57, 93, or even 1053757823957863298756283974652345. any number you can think of and X can be equal to it. If it can work with numbers, why not letters, words, phrases, ideas, even complex theology. It can all be theoritcly condesned to one variable. The prime choice? Pink. A simple four letter word. The awnser to everything. words sentances ideas even whole books can be shrotended to pink. Which means any question can be awnsered with "pink". The meaning of life? Pink.
To further simplify the follow have been broken down into smaller catagorys,
due to the first word of the question. With one exception.
Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?
Because I can awnsetr it. Here you go.
Negative. Such a negative word. But does it have to be? Can a negative be
something good? You bet it can, more than you'll ever know in fact(well,
not EVER, cause I'm gonna tell you)
The basic idea lays with the idea of negatives. Negative anything. The most
fundemental of these being negative time and negative space.
Like with negative numbers negative space and negative time are opposites
of their posotive counterpart. If you are in debt five dollars, for all practicle
purposes you have five negative dollars. Five dollars less than you really
have. Easily understood, money is the language of the world.
We will start with negative time. It is used much along the same lines as
negative money. For every negative second, you have a second less than before.
This is the one part that is slightly more complex than negative money as
a person can not really 'have' time. If it is 2:00 and a negative five minutes
passes it is now 1:55
Negatiove space works on the same lines. If sometihng is a foot by a foot it takes up a square foot, but if it is a negative square foot by a negative square foot than by placing it somewhere you will now have a square foot MORE room in the area. The idea can be applied to negative weight. Carry a negative ten pound weight and you're insatnyl ten pounds lighter.
So how is it one can accomplish these feats? Well, unfortunitly thats the portion of this course I do charge for. I mean if everyone knew these secrets, they wouldn't be secrets, right? Email me at [email protected] for further instructions
Yet another tale of a great war between two ancient foes. This time a fowl war, a war of the birds that is. Pedgions and ducts. Little is known of these two species of birds. Pedgions are on off shoot of the pidgion varity, but with a sinister twist. Pedgions are born evil. Birds of the night they swoop and steall little kids' lunch money, its THEM that mess up the statues in the park, they hang out around car washes... just plain evil. Ducts though are a differant matter. An offshoot of the duck varity Ducts are often unrecognizable from a average duck save one important fact. Ducts live in... well... ducts. Long ago the Pedgions learned that ducts weren't the innocent little harmless creatures that they pretended to be. A mighty duct army was amassing, for no known cause. The Pedgions, being as evil as they were naturally assumed the army was intended for a mass invasion and hoped for an alliance with the ever growing Duct army. The Ducts declined the Pedgion's alliance, which merely angered the evil birds. The Pedgions hatched a plan (pun intended) and sent a young Pedgion to infiltrate the Ducts line of command and discover what he could. Much to his astonishment the young Pedgions soon did discover the need for the rising army. Not to attack, but to defend. But from what? Was there an even greater army of birds massing somewhere? Couold they possible provide a fruitfull ally for the Pedgions? The C-Gulls? It was the best bet, but not correct. The young Pedgion continued his double agent status, rutinly reporting to his commanders. Soon it became apparent to him that even most of the other Ducts he was working with knew why the army was being raised. Untill one day the young Pedgion and a Duct friend of his were rummaging through a generals files, they discovered somehting that they never would have susspected. The true reason the army was needed. Just exactly what it was they were protecting. Love.
The other attendant elves and gnomes noticed the scuffel between their leaders
soon picked up food items nearby themselves and hurling them at members of
the other race who they had just be enjoying conversation and a game of full
contacnyt crouqet with mere moments before. Before long there was nothing
that copuld be done. Lucky snuck away and conquered Ireland. To this day
the gnomes and the elves fight over that one muffin obliviuous to the leperichaun
takeover.
On a sadder not the sides are so enthralled in fighting they have not yet
discovered that the muffin for which this ancient war has been fought is
missing. In the stomach of a small red hair boy in Colorado. It is still
disolving in his stomach. It has been estimated they war will continue for
another thousand years before the muffin's dissapearance is noted, in which
will result a war, of each side blamming the other for stealling the muffin.
DARK IS FASTER THAN LIGHT!
If you were to stand in a lighted room in front of a closed dark closet and
slowly open the door, you owuld see the light slowly enter the closet. But
since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
DARK HAS MASS!
When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat.
Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a
special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick, instead of into
clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Therefore it is not wise
to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavyier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface
of a lake you would see a lot of light. If you were to swim deeper you would
notice it getting slowly darker and darker. When you got real deep you would
be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom
of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. Thats why it is called
light.
Deep withen the air ducts love was buried. Each and every air duct across the world had a little bit of love stashed in it. No one knows why or how or since when, but it is just a fact of life. Being the only creatues to cal lthe ducts their atural habitat the Ducts took it upon themselves to protect the love. The young Pedgion then showed his true colors to his Ducts friend who he savagly attacked, leaving him for dead and left to report to his leaders. The Pedgions were outraged. All the worlds love was this easily accesible? If the Pedgions could control love the world would be theirs! The evil birds sprung into action, declaring war on the Ducts. What insued was much akin to the events in what is known as the first world war to humans. Thousands of species in the bird kingdom declared war on one another. The entagaling alliances soon brought all the worlds biurds to a war that few even understood. Years later that war still rages, but now more of the birds are a ware of just why they are fighting, and an interesting twist of events. The young Pedgion who discovered the love is now in charge of the entire airborne division of the Pedgion assualt army. His Duct friend whom he left for dead all those years ago is now General Fauntlroy Mallard, the highest ranking General in the Duct army. Life is kind of funny that way, no?
If a mute kid swears, do his parents wash his hands with soap?
If you put a hummidifer and a de-humidfer in the same room, what happens?
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand
words, how dangerous is a fax machine?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown?
If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times
per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If I melt dry ice, can I go swimming without getting wet?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If you're in a starship going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?
If Donald Duck never wears pants, why is it that he puts a towel around his
waist when getting out of the shower?
If sign painters go on strike are their picket signs blank? If work is so
terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why
isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone
just move 10 miles away?
How do a fool and his money GET together?
How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some
of the others?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How do you remove a club soda stain?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
front?
Why do they call them buildings if they are all ready built?
Why do they call them APARTments if they are all connected?
Why is it that a package sent by ship is called cargo and packages sent by
truck are called shipments?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
Why do we call them TV sets if you only get one?
Why isn't 'phonetics' spelled the way it sounds?
Why is it we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already
know you don't have?
Why is there Braille on the drive through bank machines?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into
telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when
the gun is thrown at him?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why aren't there 'B' batteries?
Why is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is small bigger than big?
Why is short longer than long?
Why are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink?
Why is it a person will order a double cheese burger, large fries, and a
diet coke?
Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
useless junk in the garage?
Why do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
place?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Are Santa's helpers 'elf-employed'?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the
time to take the dirt out of them?
Is a minor earthquake just a fualts alarms?
Since Horses sleep standing up, what happens if a horse dies in it's sleep?
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When you open a bag of cottenballs is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're
just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away'?
The King James Version Bible Baseball Game
The people gathered (Numbers 11.32) to see the battle (1 Sam. 14.28) and sat down to eat and drink (Ex. 32.6) old corn...and (Joshua 15.12) sweet water. (James 3.11)
Eli sat upon a seat by a post (1 Sam.1.9) and he stretched himself (1 Kgs. 17.21) that he may see good. (Ps. 34.12) So the people shouted: (Joshua 6.20) "Where are the nine? (Luke 17.17) Let the young men now arise and play before us." (2 Sam. 2.14)
The first came out (Gen. 25.25) and went into the field (Num. 22.23) and stood every man in his place. (Jdg. 7.21) And Peter called, (Mk. 14.72) whether it be good or bad. (Lev. 27.12) As one mocketh, another do (Job 13.9) with loud voices: (Lk. 23:23) "Thou art blind!" (Rev. 3.17) And he stooped to (1 Sam. 28.4) make clean...the platter. (Lk. 11.39) And the trumpeters sounded: (2 Chron. 29.28) "Kohath shall pitch." (Num. 3.29) And Samson went and caught. (Jdg 15:4)
David was up (2 Sam. 24.11) on the left side (Eze. 1.10) and he struck it into the pan (1 Sam. 2.14) foul. (Matt. 16.3) The second was offered; (Jdg. 6.28) he striketh-- (Job 34.26) he missed! (1 Sam. 20.18) On the third (Gen. 22.4) he struck him out! (2 Sam. 20.10) So Levite went in; (Jdg. 17.10) he stood and measured the earth; he beheld, and drove (Hab. 3.6) for an homer. (Hos. 3.2) And all the people shouted with a great shout. (Ezra 3.11) And Noah went in, (Gen. 7.7) and did fly (2 Sam. 22.11) into the field. (Num. 22.23) And Jotham ran away (Jdg.9.21) and looking back (Lk. 9.62) gathered it. (Isa. 62.9) And Aaron went in, (Ex. 5.1) and he worketh it (Isa. 44.12) two and two. (Gen. 7.9) And Samson said: (Jdg. 15.3) "Strike it!" (Ex. 12.7) And Aaron spake: (Ex. 4.30) "A good man would (Rom. 5.7) be not one of them that strike." (Prov. 22.26) And the man refused to smite. (1 Kgs 20.35) And Aaron took, (Numbers 16.47) and he walked. (1 Kgs. 15.3) Amon sacrificed (2 Chron. 33.22) and Aaron ran (Num. 16.47) into the second, (Heb. 9.7) and overran! (2 Sam. 18.23) And with the bag (Micah 6.11) afar off-- (Gen. 22.4) a good man out. (Matt. 12.35)
Now Jeremiah came in; (Jer. 37.4) then he went out, (Gen. 31.33) being caused to fly, (Daniel 9.21) And the men of Israel retired. (Jdg. 20.39) Then the Philistines went up (Jdg. 15.9) And Joseph was...captain (Gen. 39.1) of the Philistines. (Jdg. 3.31) And Absalom pitched. (2 Sam. 17.26)
Then Joseph commanded to fill their sacks. (Gen. 42.25) Shimei came forth (2 Sam. 16.5) and stood and walked. (Acts 3.8) The pitcher (Ecclesiastes 12.6) looked this way and that; (Ex. 2.12) He stretched out (Hos. 7.5) and threw. (Acts 22.23) And Archers hit. (1 Sam. 31.3)
And it came to pass on second (Lk. 6.1) Job caught (Job 38.5) the line (1 Kgs. 2.28) and threw (2 Sam. 16.13) at the first; (Gen. 13.4) Therefore David ran and stood upon (1 Sam. 17.51) the first, (Gen. 13.4) put forth his hand, and caught (Ex. 4.4) the toss. (Jer. 5.22) This is the second death. (Rev. 20.14) Then Joseph could not refrain himself, and he cried: (Gen. 45.1) "Goodness, if thou continue in (Rom. 11.22) going down, (Gen. 15.12) our hope is lost (Eze. 37.11) and my garments (Isa. 63.3) and job." (Job 32.3)
And Abram went up (Gen. 13.1) and Abram drove (Gen. 15.11) into the air. (Acts 22.23) And Judah came in (Gen. 38.8) under it, (Dan. 4.14) and through idleness of the hands (Eccl. 10.18) the fly (Isa. 7.18) droppeth through (Eccl. 10.18) giving him a double. (Lev. 21.17) Abraham took wood and (Gen. 22.6) caught hold of (2 Sam. 18.9) an hard (Matt. 25.24) and high (Rev. 21.12) delivery (Isa. 26.17) and smote it (Jdg. 7.13) into left. (Lev. 14.15) Thus and thus (Jdg. 18.4) Israel fought against (Josh. 10.29) the Philistines (1 Sam. 19.8) till the ninth. (Lev. 25.22) For each, one (Num. 7.3) in the first, (Jer. 25.1) and seven times (Lev. 25.8) after that they (Eccl. 9.3) gathereth eggs. (Isa. 10.14
In the ninth, (1 Kgs. 25.1) Israel went out (1 Kgs. 20.21) in a row, (1 Kgs. 7.3) and none came in. (1 Sam. 18.13) He sent divers sorts of flies among them (Ps. 78.45) And they caught them every one. (2 Sam. 2.6) The first man (1 Cor. 15.45) for the Philistines (1 Sam. 28.15) drew the third, (Rev. 12.4) and the fourth (Dt. 28.20) came to the outside; (Jdg. 7.19) he walketh. (Job 22.14) The pitcher (Eccl. 12.6) climbed up upon (1 Sam. 14.13) the mount (Dt. 1.7) and pitched. (Ex. 19.2) And Moses put it on a pole (Num. 21.9) for an homer, (Hos. 3.2) and Israel was beaten. (2 Sam. 2.17)
And behold, the man clothed with linen, which had the inkhorn by his side, reported the matter (Eze. 9.11) and wrote it in a book. (1 Sam. 10.25)
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up
to 160 km/hr.
Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.
The original story from "Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights" begins, "Aladdin was
a little Chinese boy."
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Honey is the only natural food that is made without destroying any kind of
life.
Michael Jordan makes more money from NIKE annually than all of the Nike factory
workers in Malaysia combined.
The volume of the earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific
Ocean.
Spiral staircases in medieval castles are running clockwise. This is because
all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb
the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding
the sword because of the difficulties of climbing the stairs. Left-handed
knights would have had no troubles, except left-handed people could never
become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil.
The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is "Live Free or Die." These license
plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord.
The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.
The longest place name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai-whenua
kitanatahu-a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles's full name is: "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
Angeles de Poriuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "LA."
Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 will live to be 116 or older.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly backwards.
A cat's jaw cannot move sideways.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated
that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without
killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get
fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific.
When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo
belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If
the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
The little bags of netting for gas lanterns (called 'mantles') are
radioactive--so much that they will set of an alarm at a nuclear reactor.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots
Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The
conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped
as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents
where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to
realize *this* was the day of the changeover.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed
the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."
In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam." Sherlock
Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson." Captain Kirk never said "Beam
me up, Scotty," but he did say, "Beam me up, Mr. Scott".
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood
donors.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
The flag of the Philippines is the only national flag that is flown differently
during times of peace or war. A portion of the flag is blue, while the other
is red. The blue portion is flown on top in time of peace and the red portion
is flown in war time.
Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode
past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
The "huddle" in football was formed due a deaf football player who used sign
language to communicate and his team didn't want the opposition to see the
signals he used and in turn huddled around him.
If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of carbon dioxide
poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks
like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of linen.
Anyone with a radio knows of the fabled Surf City, and the population raito there withen, "Two girls for every boy." Now, recently the song glorifieng such a population has come under savage attack by femenist groups, claiming the song to be extremmly sexist, and to the untrained ear it may well sound this way, but this is not so! For the true story you must search deep into the histories. Long ago...(but not in galaxy far away), there was a small town in California known as Surf City. Like the rest of the world was a basic population break down of 51% female and 49% male. Now, the women who lived in Surf City were a greedy and avarious lot and ordered the men to go to war. The men took their surf boards and paddled to the neighboring town to clash in a mighty battle for the hopes of more land and the quelling of the greed of the women folk. Unfortntly the army which the surfers went to fight was much better fortifyed and quickly dispatched the smaller force. The surf boys paddled back tp Surf City with heacy losses. A large number of the men had died. Upon return a new opulation count confermed that the percantge of males was 33% leaving the remaining 67% females. The Beach Boys, being the nice and generous souls knew this was not a good thing and decided the population ratio needed to be fixed, they thus knew that if the world was aware of the "Two girls for every boy" problem than it would be quickly rectefiyed. So you see? The song is not the sexist evil that it has been claimed to be, but an encouragment to tourism to reboost a faltering economy. We're lucky to have groupos such as the Beach Boys to look after us... What WOULD we do?
When the wind of life spits in your face, spit back.
Before you crisize a man, walk a mile in his shoes, then, not only are you
a mile away, but you have his shoes.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Sometimes you want bolgna, and sometimes you want ham, but more often than
not, you'll be given some spam.
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Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the
wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach
it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard, and could use
a little chlorine.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Behind every great man, is a shadow.
Stress is when you wake up screaming you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.
Don't take life very seriously, you won't get out alive.
We use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poly' in Latin
meaning 'many' and 'ticks' are bloodsucking creatures.
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I don't think you realize what you've done....
The critics are raving! Raving mad that is. We claim no reponsiblity for the opnions of the critics found here, be it as they may have finished the story and not be in a right mind when this qoute was atributed to them.
"Every day I read this story as it progresses, and I think to myself.... eventually there was to be a plot right?"
"Somewhere in this story is the meaning of life... I think..."
"When I was reading the story I thought it was really good. Then I got past 'Once upon a time'"